know what you want

The past year was nothing like I imagined it would be. It's not the year that I had such high hopes for. Last Spring I graduated from college and expected careers to just fall into my lap. Last Summer I went through a breakup after a long-term relationship and expected the dating game to be easy once I fell back into it. Boy, was I wrong on both counts. Over a year later, it's a struggle to pay the bills while working two part-time jobs, and date nights consist of cooking myself dinner and maybe treating myself to a movie. I know it's not the worst situation, but it's certainly not what I wanted for myself.

Being fresh out of school, my mind was going every which way. I knew, and still know, that writing was what I wanted to do, but in what way? There were so many avenues. It's been incredibly defeating sending out resume upon resume, only to receive no response. So defeating that I had given up. Part-time jobs were going to be it for me. I could write on the side. I recently had to give myself a mental slap and get my head back in the game. Now I search job boards everyday and continue applying. I worked hard for my degree, my internships, and I will fight hard for the career I know I deserve.

Being fresh out of a relationship that I had once believed was it, was scary, but exciting. After a little time, I stupidly thought I was ready for the next one. Did I really expect to find someone at the snap of my fingers? I had to find myself before I could find another. This realization took a whole year of little heartaches, a whopping total of six dates, and bad judgment calls to get to. I was so busy searching for someone else, that I forgot to search for me. I do thank the jerks for assisting in that search. I could have done it the easier, and possibly shorter way, which would have been solely on my own. I chose the harder and longer way, which was dating when I wasn't ready. But I have no regrets because now I know who I am, what I want, and what I most definitely don't want.

While my hopes get knocked down a little bit from time to time, that doesn't mean my faith should falter. Forgetting what I want is not an option. Looking back on this past year, I didn't know what I wanted. Now I do. 

My mom sent me this quote in an e-mail just the other day, and it hit me hard, like some sort of an epiphany...

"It's kind of strange, but first you have to know what you want, defined in terms of the end result. And then you have to physically move towards it, without defining the hows. At which point, the thing you want actually starts coming to you, on its own terms, from a direction completely unexpected. Just carry on, detached from the details and timing, and perhaps act like you just couldn't care less."

I realize now that getting wrapped up in "the details and timing" isn't going to get me closer to what I want. I just have to keep the "end result" in mind, and stop worrying so much about the when's and the why's. Hard work will pay off. Being myself will pay off. I will find my ideal job. I will find someone who loves me for me. I will be the happiest I've ever been. It might not be tomorrow. It might not be next month, or next year, but it's going to happen.

[click on images for sources]